Story #7: Death by Buck Teeth

The backstory behind these twisted tales can be found here.
This is the last crazy story of the 2010 series-
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^MeAfter 30 years in federal prison, the lesser-known twin, Borayna Bobbit, opened a sausage shop at 3^rd and Broadway.  It ^JFwas a sunny day and so the sausage started to sizzle in the oil-infested grill.

^JLSally came over to taste the sizzling sausage.  She decided it smelled so good that she wanted to have a block party that afternoon/evening and share the sausage.  ^CJShe made tacos with it.  They put tables together all across Sally's lawn, but then it started to rain and the umbrellas flew away.  Sally tried to hold ^MFon to her teeth, but went to the dentist!  Since she only had a dollar, the dentist gave her 'buck teeth.'

“Come back tomorrow,” he said.

“What time?” asked Sally.

“Tooth-hurty,” he said.

^LA She showed up at 'tooth-hurty' and he proceeded to fix her 'buck teeth' through extraction.  ^KJHe put her to sleep and yanked the first tooth. . . . Crap!  She woke up!  He hit her with a 2X4.  Sally was a sweet lady. . . God bless her soul.

Story #6: Tony Romo the Toe-Truck Driver

The backstory behind these twisted tales can be found here.
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^JFOnce there was an intelligent elephant who had a shot of honey-lickin' icey sticklin' wine and all of a sudden ^JLa tarantula ran over the large toenail of the intelligent elephant very quickly and hopped up on a log to speak with Frank ^CJthe Fireman- he was chopping wood with his axe so he could make a brace for the elephant's toenail.

First it was too small, so he made a new one. ^MFThe elephant still was not pleased, so he called a 'toe'-truck! He waited for an hour-and-a-half. Finally the driver showed up, and who was it? Tony Romo, who did this in the off-season. ^LA Tony was moonlighting as a toe-truck driver. He knew his football career was going so be short-lived because he dumped Jessica Simpson.

^KJ“My name is Tony Romo, well, whatever! New story! There once was a man named John. He stood 6-foot 4-inches tall and weighted 260. ^MeHe changed his name to Tony Romo. . . .wait! . . .not Tony! He makes microwave pizzas, not plays on the field. . . . especially when Jessica Simpson is around.”

Family Story #5: The De-Evolution of Man

The backstory behind these twisted tales can be found here.
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Story #5: The De-Evolution of Man, Fast-Forward-ed

^KJIn the beginning of time, God created man. After a minute ^MeHe became very distracted by the task of creating dogs, cats, and jellyfish. Woman was the last thing on his mind, but man ^JFwas made in the image of the Almighty, and so man changed the names of the animals to gibberish sounding onomatopoeias.

^JLThe elephants became “elfnomipus,” the flamingos became “freepontaneeze,” and the ^CJgrizzly bears became “go-go gonzos”. . . . then they ate the seatbelts out of Jennifer's Civic. Jennifer didn't mind, though, because she loved them. She took her civic to the car wash to detail it.

When they got home ^MFthey began to drink Smirnoffs.

“You better not drink more than 4!” she told Kirk, “otherwise you're out of here!”

Daniel then pulled out his homemade wine, which he sold ^LAfor three dollars.

Lynn said, “Right good wine for three dollars!”

The Smirnoffs, on the other hand, send Kirk out of control. He managed to get thrown out.

Family Story #3

The backstory behind these twisted tales can be found here.

Kudos to Cindy for ending this monster gracefully!

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Story #3: From the Snails of Gomorrah to the Ponds of Elmira

^MFIf I had known then what I know now, I never would have gotten out of bed this morning! This day started out like any other day- shower, breakfast- and then ^LA BOOM! Dealing with my kooky in-laws from Texas. They were so far over the top backwards ^KJI thought I would kill them. Then it happened- I went nuts. I yelled at Nanny when she took my cookie. . . and threw a snail. ^MeThe snails rained down like charcoal briquettes on Sodom & Gomorrah. Everyone in the world got a black eye, some even got shiners. Kirk video taped the ^JFwhole fiasco and somehow Olivia shook violently off the couch just in time to dodge the vomit shooting out of Jenena's mouth. So much for Sodom & Gomorrah.

^JLSodom & Gomorrah! -WHAT?!? Are you serious? There's no possible way my little hoodlums will grow up in a town with such crazy names! They would be much better off growing up in villages called Elmira ^CJor Hit-a-lick.

Then their legs were on fire so they went swimming, happy they now had a new home in Elmira.

Story #2: Crunch and Mold

Note:  To understand where this came from, read this.

This may be our most disjointed tale ever:

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^LAThere once was a kooky family that sat around sharing memories. The times shared ^KJwere somewhat crazy. Probably because of the dog chases that took place every night. ^MeBut the dogs loved it. They fought back with uzzi's, spitwads, and rubber band guns. The cats used potato cannons to ward off the postal service ^JFand the dogs had a hard time not laughing hysterically at all of the crunching sounds of chips being smacked. ^JLSo the children laughed and laughed. . . and fed the dogs (greyhounds) peanut butter and carrot sticks and the dogs stopped laughing and began to understand the crunchy sounds.

So ^CJloud! They were eating sunflower seed butter because peanut butter has mold. Then they tried to think of all the other things that had mold. After that, they went to the ^MFNeptune Festival and there was mold on everything- the car, the sand, the water. . . Thankfully it started to rain so everyone jumped in the car and headed home. They lived happily ever after.

Family Stories!

Months overdue. . . . it's time again for family stories!  In order to appreciate these random tales of tainted truth and tepid terror, you must understand how they are created.  Everyone starts with a clean sheet of paper and has 1 minute to start a story.  When the minute is up, the papers are passed on to another participant, who reads the beginning and then carries on the story for another minute.  After the second writing session, the first portion of the story is folded backward so that the next writer can only read the previous portion written-- and so it goes until everyone has authored a portion of every story.  Some try to stay true to the storyline, others enjoy re-directing it mid-stream, but the resulting text is usually hilarious.

The past year's participants included Myself (Me), Kirk (KJ), Cindy (CJ), Mom (LA), Jenn (JL), Mark (MF), & Julie (JF).  Each author's initials will precede their portion of each story as I title, label, censor, and lay them out here.  Enjoy!

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Story #1: How He Rolls: Doggy Tokes a Doobie in His Snuggie

^JLOne sunny afternoon in late October I went walking in the forests of Montana.  It was a wonderfully chilly day, so I bundled up with my favorite ^CJsnuggie.  I was really warm, but then I tripped and fell.  I forgot that you should really wear Snuggies when you're watching TV, not when walking.  So I got up and then I had to go to the bathroom, ^MFbut the bathroom was locked!  I looked around for some other means of relieving myself and found a pot with a lid.  The pot ^LAhad a snake in it, but I chose to use it anyway.  What happened next was horrid!

^KJSo I smoked a doobie and called it a day. The next day I hit a lick. I went to the pawn shop and crap!  There was the heat!  So what did I do? ^MeWell. . . I was in heat, and that doobie made everything look hot. The flagpole, the postman's knee- I adjusted my flea collar, cleared my throat, ^JFand made a beeline for the back door.  Whoooee!   I was safe at last- nothing but blue skies and sunshine from here on out.  Amen!  Hallelujah!

The End

Team Stories #7

^{The Prescription- A Shocking Tail of Woe}

^MeCarmen Ray Ellensworth Solomon Squirrel sported the bushiest tail in the world.  One day his doctor offered him a prescription ^JLfor antifrizzledizzle (sp?) because he thought it might make his bushy tail not so bushy anymore (C.R.E.S.S.  We're going to call him Cress now.)

^JFSo anyway. . . .CRESS's bushy tail became a stubby tail and all of a sudden out popped a daffodil that smelled much better than the ^CJbushy tail.  Cress's stubby tail grew really long like a possum's tail and then he hung upside down in a tree and took a nap, while the rest of the flowers bloomed.

When he ^KJawoke he noticed a drunk man standing on the side of the road.  The drunk man caused a ruckus, so I threw him on the ground.  I felt good about it all.  ^LAThe drunkard was stunned by my tazer.  He couldn't focus as he rose up to tell me that he hadn't meant to cause a raukus.

^MFSince he couldn't spell "ruckus" I stunned him again with my tazer, "Don't taze me bro!" he yelled over and over- which brings me to the moral of this story:  you can't drink and play Apples to Apples.  If you do, you'll end up TAZED.

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Sadly, that was the last of our team stories, I hope you all got as big a kick out of them as the writers did!

Note:  See this post for an explanation of how these random tales came about!

Team Stories #6

^{The Cheeky Kite Runner}

^JLOne day I went to an art museum in San Francisco and was admiring a painting by John Sox Park- I noticed that he ^JFpainted a line of green along the outside corners of the picture which, to me, seemed abstract, and discouragingly so.  I decided to get my purple marker out to perfect this work of art.

^CJThen I got mad and balled it up and lit it on fire.  After that, I threw it on the ground, then got a new kite and went to fly it.  But ^KJthe kite broke, so I threw it down.  I started running and running and got sick.  I had to get to Care Now and meet with Dr. Care.  What the blank- Doctor who?

^LADr. Care was an awesome doctor, who only worked on patients who were hurt flying kites.  He asked me what I was doing flying kites into telephone lines.  He analyzed my ^MFbutt to see if there were any strange, unusual markings- he found none.  Next he looked up my case file to see what other doctors had said.  They all said the same thing:  ^Me 'This cat has no history of butt-brandiosis and will never need to be treated for cheek-chaffing.'  I was relieved and threw a grand old party- getting a nice smiley face tattooed on my rumpus.

The End

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 PS- Wow, CJ!  It take mad skills to throw a museum painting to the ground after balling it up and setting it on fire! I think you may have a strain of anarchy deep within that gentle spirit of yours.  That only makes sense. . . . anarchist-cop. . . opposites attract!  :o) .

Note:  See this post for an explanation of how these random tales came about!

Team Stories #5

She Did it For the Pooky

^JFOnce there was a little bug that went to the toy store and found an itty-bitty knife.  When the teeny tiny beetle ^CJcame over with his tomatoes they would slice them and make teeny tiny BLT's.  After that they went to see "A Bug's Life" (the movie).  They had friends that starred in it!

^KJThe teeny tiny BLT's made me poop teeny tiny.  It only stank a little, then I got sick.  Darn. . . it made me pass my tumor-  It's a miracle ^LAto behold.  The tumor was no more.  There was only a hole where the tumor had been.  No more pain- only weight gain.  The woman ^MFdecided to go on the Atkin's Diet, so she went on the internet to see who Atkins was and what she could eat. . . . apparently she could have any red meat and hot tamales- that's it.

She did this for ^Methe sake of her dog, who really needed to be walked more often, and was tired of of being nearly smothered when she rolled over at night, "It's for you, Pooky, ^JLthat I went on this crash diet of oatmeal cookies with chocolate chips, coffee, ice cream, and hot tamales!  I love you, Pooky!  It's all for you that I treat my body this way- so that we can go on walks a lot to burn off the calories and make sure that I don't get all sugared up and stuff.  Oh, Honey! Honey!"

The End
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 PS- have you noticed a theme here?  KJ seems to have a thing for tumors and poo.  JF officially wins the award for most random segment!

Note:  See this post for an explanation of how these random tales came about!

Team Stories #4

The X-File that Got Away

^CJOne day I said, "I'm an adult and I need a job."

I tried to think about what to do.  I went to the grocery store and I couldn't ^KJremember if I brought my debit card. Darn-  I did not.  I had to drive back home to get it while my groceries were in the freezer locker.  Then I called Kirk. ^LAKirk said "Darn!" and trekked on to the grocery store to bail me out.  He slipped and slid on icy streets to help me, but before ^MFhe could say "pants on the ground," an alien flew in front of him, causing him to crash.

The alien then pulled Kirk from the vehicle and said, "Take me to your leader."  So he took the alien to meet Cindy, who said, ^Me"Why ya got yo' hat on sideways, green in yo mouf?  I ain't axing twice!" and yanked it's pants to the ground.

The alien turned ^JLon- "Pants on the ground! Pants on the Ground!  Party people, all your hands in the air.  Dance all around- pants on the ground!"  He busted a move, and break danced like he came straight out of the 80's.  ^JFBut instead of to the ground, his pants flew off and stuck to the ceiling, and the carousel stopped just in time to finish the ride, and all the crying two-year-olds were thrilled to pieces.

The End
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Note:  See this post for an explanation of how these random tales came about!

Team Stories #3

 Pickled Okra Snowball Stew?

^LAOn a cold, snowy day, in Virginia Beach of all places, a family gathered for some rest and relaxation.  The cousins played for hours on ^MFtop of their aunts, uncles, Nana, parents- whatever.  Then they got tired and decided to make up a game using popcorn balls and build-a-bears.

The first ^Mething they did was stuff the bears in their mouths.  They seemed to fit with little trouble,  but then the Kirky-doodle sneezed!  Allergies got the best ^JLof his pickled okra that he grew in his garden last autumn, and pickled sometime mid-winter before it all rotted out.  He loved pickled okra and ate it every day, at least twice, so his wife made him a blanket with a sewed-on giant.

^JFHis wife was a talented seamstress.  She could make something from nothing in the kitchen as well.  Creative cooking was her specialty.  So that nothing went to waste, she would ^CJmix all the leftovers together and call it 'stew.'  We never liked it, but we knew we would get five licks if we didn't eat it.  When dinner was over we had to clear ^KJour bellies.  We all went #2.  It stank.  We ran outside in the snow and made snowballs.

The End
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Note:  See this post for an explanation of how these random tales came about!

Team Stories #2

The Nunchuck Master

^MFIt was the night before Jenena's birthday.  The whole family flew in from all over the world to celebrate this special event.  The first to arrive ^MeWas her father, Markus, but something was wrong- his face was purple, his eyes were orange, and he couldn't get his tongue to stay in his mouth.  Jenena looked up at him ^JLand said, "are you going to projectile vomit at my frog? Because I think that, if you do, your face might turn hot green instead and then you might turn into a tree!"

He replied, "Of course not, ^JFbut you will become like a hot green skittle neon that I used to dream about having in high school.  Wow!  What an out of site looking turtle you have become," the dog barked,  ^CJ"You remind me of the teenage mutant ninja turtles.  They were so cool.  You should learn to do karate like they did."

So I did and I learned to use the nunchucks.  ^KJI put my mask on and became a true warrior.  I struck the bad guys with brute force to the point they started crying.  I told them, ^LA"Don't worry!  I am the one who will take this to the point of resolution with one fell swoop."  I took them out.  They never bothered me again.

The End
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Note:  See the post dated 02/02/2010 for an explanation of how these stories came to be!

Team Stories #1

My wife and I got back from Virginia Beach last night, where we had a grand ol' time while snowed in with family.  Sunday night we adults played a really fun game- everyone received a sheet of paper and a pen or pencil, and then had 60 seconds to start writing a story.  When the minute was over, we passed them to the right and everyone had another minute to continue the tale.  Before passing to the third writer, the first portion of the mini-epics were folded downward so that the next person writing part of it could only read the last portion written before continuing.  When the papers made it all the way around the room, we all read the stories we started.  I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time.

I will still be writing a poem every day, but will take some time to explore topics that might or might not make it to this site.  In the meantime, I'll be posting the looney stories that we wrote in Virginia.  Each person will get credit for their portion of the stories by means of their initials preceding the section.  I hope you enjoy!
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The Tale of the Tumor

^KJOn 01/31/10 I was sitting in a circle writing a story.  The story goes like this:  Once there was this tumor.  ^LAIt was an incredibly handsome tumor.  It caused the host a lot of pain, but couldn't get the best of her because family was her game.

She had ^MFdecided to write a book of her experience called "The Ovarian Cyst Chronicles."  In it, she told the exciting story of how ^Meegg cells can beat the snot out of the Ovarian Sentinels who stand guard against the forces of Cancerous Maximus, the most wretched and evil ruler in all of Bodyworld! ^JLYou see, at Bodyworld there are all of these different made-up worlds with different characters in them, and each world has one different character that has a fatal ^JFflaw that makes them look like they stuck their finger in a light socket.

I feel as if electrifying the situation would cause snow to fall from the ceiling in different shades of blue. ^CJBut I decided to do it anyway and we all got burried in a blue blizzard.  We were never able to shovel our way toward the light.  At least our dog got out alive.  He went to live with my mom.

The End