Backpacking Realism

It's like the sky fell in the water

now it ripples 'round my feet

as they swell, and I think
    and grovel and stink

in a thin crust of salt
and premium DEET

I ogle at more rocks and trees

that line majestic shore

as though I didn't see enough

of this the day before

and barely smile

because even my face

is feeling mighty sore.

A Cold Sweat

Isn't it funny
	how we sweat
when it's cold
by condensing it all
	to fall
through the nose?

Jack and Jill

Family Story #5: The De-Evolution of Man

The backstory behind these twisted tales can be found here.
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Story #5: The De-Evolution of Man, Fast-Forward-ed

^KJIn the beginning of time, God created man. After a minute ^MeHe became very distracted by the task of creating dogs, cats, and jellyfish. Woman was the last thing on his mind, but man ^JFwas made in the image of the Almighty, and so man changed the names of the animals to gibberish sounding onomatopoeias.

^JLThe elephants became “elfnomipus,” the flamingos became “freepontaneeze,” and the ^CJgrizzly bears became “go-go gonzos”. . . . then they ate the seatbelts out of Jennifer's Civic. Jennifer didn't mind, though, because she loved them. She took her civic to the car wash to detail it.

When they got home ^MFthey began to drink Smirnoffs.

“You better not drink more than 4!” she told Kirk, “otherwise you're out of here!”

Daniel then pulled out his homemade wine, which he sold ^LAfor three dollars.

Lynn said, “Right good wine for three dollars!”

The Smirnoffs, on the other hand, send Kirk out of control. He managed to get thrown out.

Favre

Family Story #3

The backstory behind these twisted tales can be found here.

Kudos to Cindy for ending this monster gracefully!

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Story #3: From the Snails of Gomorrah to the Ponds of Elmira

^MFIf I had known then what I know now, I never would have gotten out of bed this morning! This day started out like any other day- shower, breakfast- and then ^LA BOOM! Dealing with my kooky in-laws from Texas. They were so far over the top backwards ^KJI thought I would kill them. Then it happened- I went nuts. I yelled at Nanny when she took my cookie. . . and threw a snail. ^MeThe snails rained down like charcoal briquettes on Sodom & Gomorrah. Everyone in the world got a black eye, some even got shiners. Kirk video taped the ^JFwhole fiasco and somehow Olivia shook violently off the couch just in time to dodge the vomit shooting out of Jenena's mouth. So much for Sodom & Gomorrah.

^JLSodom & Gomorrah! -WHAT?!? Are you serious? There's no possible way my little hoodlums will grow up in a town with such crazy names! They would be much better off growing up in villages called Elmira ^CJor Hit-a-lick.

Then their legs were on fire so they went swimming, happy they now had a new home in Elmira.

Story #2: Crunch and Mold

Note:  To understand where this came from, read this.

This may be our most disjointed tale ever:

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^LAThere once was a kooky family that sat around sharing memories. The times shared ^KJwere somewhat crazy. Probably because of the dog chases that took place every night. ^MeBut the dogs loved it. They fought back with uzzi's, spitwads, and rubber band guns. The cats used potato cannons to ward off the postal service ^JFand the dogs had a hard time not laughing hysterically at all of the crunching sounds of chips being smacked. ^JLSo the children laughed and laughed. . . and fed the dogs (greyhounds) peanut butter and carrot sticks and the dogs stopped laughing and began to understand the crunchy sounds.

So ^CJloud! They were eating sunflower seed butter because peanut butter has mold. Then they tried to think of all the other things that had mold. After that, they went to the ^MFNeptune Festival and there was mold on everything- the car, the sand, the water. . . Thankfully it started to rain so everyone jumped in the car and headed home. They lived happily ever after.

Family Stories!

Months overdue. . . . it's time again for family stories!  In order to appreciate these random tales of tainted truth and tepid terror, you must understand how they are created.  Everyone starts with a clean sheet of paper and has 1 minute to start a story.  When the minute is up, the papers are passed on to another participant, who reads the beginning and then carries on the story for another minute.  After the second writing session, the first portion of the story is folded backward so that the next writer can only read the previous portion written-- and so it goes until everyone has authored a portion of every story.  Some try to stay true to the storyline, others enjoy re-directing it mid-stream, but the resulting text is usually hilarious.

The past year's participants included Myself (Me), Kirk (KJ), Cindy (CJ), Mom (LA), Jenn (JL), Mark (MF), & Julie (JF).  Each author's initials will precede their portion of each story as I title, label, censor, and lay them out here.  Enjoy!

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Story #1: How He Rolls: Doggy Tokes a Doobie in His Snuggie

^JLOne sunny afternoon in late October I went walking in the forests of Montana.  It was a wonderfully chilly day, so I bundled up with my favorite ^CJsnuggie.  I was really warm, but then I tripped and fell.  I forgot that you should really wear Snuggies when you're watching TV, not when walking.  So I got up and then I had to go to the bathroom, ^MFbut the bathroom was locked!  I looked around for some other means of relieving myself and found a pot with a lid.  The pot ^LAhad a snake in it, but I chose to use it anyway.  What happened next was horrid!

^KJSo I smoked a doobie and called it a day. The next day I hit a lick. I went to the pawn shop and crap!  There was the heat!  So what did I do? ^MeWell. . . I was in heat, and that doobie made everything look hot. The flagpole, the postman's knee- I adjusted my flea collar, cleared my throat, ^JFand made a beeline for the back door.  Whoooee!   I was safe at last- nothing but blue skies and sunshine from here on out.  Amen!  Hallelujah!

The End

Chicken of the Sea

Does anyone else love tuna?
It's the chicken of the sea
I've always wanted to see one
I can imagine just how it would be.
I bet it has eyes that are yellow,
A scaley beak, ten feet long,
Lots of waterproof feathers,
Webbed orange talons, and a bright blue comb
I'm sure that they lay giant eggs
So huge, in fact, that I bet
You could feed ten off one egg of that hen's
Now that is a gi-normous omelett!

The GPS

I have this little widget
I named the thing Garmett
She has a really pretty voice
And tells me how to get
From one place to another
She directs from town to town
The only problem seems to be
She makes my wifey frown.
"In 200 feet turn right"
"Recalculating. . .Recalculating"
Steam comes out my Jenny's ears
She seems to find it grating.
"Listen to the navigator!"
I beg her from the wheel,
"She calmly tells us where to go. . .
That house has curb appeal!"
"Please turn it off!" she says to me
"She so gets on my nerves!
"Besides, I know just where to go
"Slow down! Did you see the curve?"
Sometimes my soul is tortured
And sometimes it rejoices-
As when I drive I also bear
Two ladies' constant voices.

Hear them Roar

Licking up the April showers
They spring forth from the ground
And roar across the hillsides
Without the slightest sound.
Soaking up the sunshine
Sitting upright in the grass
Tossing the thickest yellow manes
As bumble bees fly past.
It's a beautiful life, but one short-lived,
For in just seven days
Their heads will shrink and then extrude
Quite stately bobs of gray.
Relaxing at the east wind's call,
Tossing into the air their scions,
They still stand tall, thin and bald
Ah, the lives of dandelions!

In Just Three Days

In just three days
I'm flying home
To get my Jenn
And what we own.
I can't wait to
Hold her tight,
And have her at
My side at night.
Man, I miss that
Hairy bitch
That we call Daisy
(Made you twitch!)
Our only child
Has four legs, see-
And misses playing
Fetch with me.
We'll pile our junk
Into a van
Then we'll hit
The road again.
It's overdue
And I can't wait
To move my girls
To the Empire State.

A Week Apart

I've forgotten a lot of things
Since the day that I was wed
Like how to wash the dishes
And how to make a bed.

I tried to brew a pot of coffee
It turned out like motor oil
I'm not sure how to fix my lunch,
I wrap everything in foil.

Soon I'll face what might turn out
To be my greatest quandary-
I'll swallow hard and try my hand
At a dad-gum load of laundry.

Where's the Heat?

Your houses are big and beautiful
And their residents really nice
Your rural countryside is grand
When blanketed with ice.
Holes in the wall on every corner
Serve up decent vittles
But, New York, there's something wrong-
And I won't speak in riddles:
When you call it spicy. . .
Friend, it's certainly not-
Your sausage isn't fiery,
And your salsa isn't hot!

Leaving in My Dodge Ram

Sing along with the tune here:



My duffel is stuffed
And I've loaded the truck
I pat the dog, and give you a hug
I finish breakfast, then I take a leak
With a thousand miles to drive this week
A parting kiss I will leave on your cheek
Already I am two darn hours behind!

So fix me a fresh coffee
Add two sugars and some cream
Serve it up and then please let me go!
I'm leaving, in my Dodge Ram
In two weeks I'll be back again
Oooh! Babe you're on my toe!

I run down the stairs, then I run back up
Seven times, 'cause I forgot some stuff
Babe, where did you hide my dad gum keys?!
Everywhere I go, I'll still belong to you
My departure now is so overdue
Do I need to get down on my knees?!

So fix me a fresh coffee
Add two sugars and some cream
Serve it up and then please let me go!
I'm leaving, in my Dodge Ram
In two weeks I'll be back again
Oooh! Babe you're on my toe!

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Okay, so the third verse is censored (for her eyes only) I've already come too close to having my poetic license revoked!

Brandon and Slogan

I'll admit I got a bit carried away on this one, but you can't perfect every verse when you're trying to put out a poem every day!


Brandon and Slogan were
walking through town
when they spotted a lady
still in her night gown,
"Maybe it's Maybelline."
One said as she turned
"It can only be Jared!"
The other discerned
"No, it's the real thing!
"Should I talk to the girl?"
"Just do it, my friend!
 "Give her a whirl!"

As Brandon approached
A fatso rushed in,
Took the girl by the arm
And strode away with a grin
"You're in good hands," he said
as he pulled her away,
"And mmm  mmm mmm toasty!
"we need to find Kay!"
The lady yanked free
And sarcastically said
"Why Chevy, You are like a rock!
". . . .to my head!!"

"That's the quicker, thicker picker-upper!"-
(Slogan recognized the ass)
"And every kiss begins with Kay!
"Come now, Brandon!  Save the lass!"
"My name is Brandon Smucker,
"and I hail from Hollywood!"
The bully turned in fear toward him
"With a name like that, you must be good!"
Brandon pulled a slingshot
From the pocket of his shorts,
"I don't leave home without it!
"And I'm good at seven sports!
"If you don't think I'm serious
"Then have it your way, jerk!
"I've got a reputation,
"Just ask about it at work!"

The massive man began to dance-
"Da da da da dah- I'm lovin' it-
"You and your threats!
"Why don't you start shovin' it!?
"I eat the breakfast of champions
"And I'm reserving the right
"To reach out and touch someone
"Get out of my sight!
"You think you want a piece of this?
"A little dab'll do ya!
"When it rains, it pours from these two fists
"Come on, I'll sock it to ya!"

"Well I eat fresh!" Slogan yelled
"You don't want to mess with me!
"My big sis has friends in higher places
"Nobody doesn't like Sarah Lee!!"
"But where's the beef you skinny shrimp?"
The oaf then shouted back
"This dame looks finger-lickin' good,
"And I'm taking her to my shack!"
At last the lady broke her silence,
"That's so easy a cave man could do it!
"Why don't you court me, you audacious brute?
"Come now, be a gentleman, hop to it!
"Besides," she said, looking overhead
"At the clock tower, starting to chime,
"You boys will all miss happy hour-
"Can't you see? . . . It's Miller time!"

Who Knows?

Stupid is chronic
Ignorance is curable
Why would you cure bliss?

A Spicy Beat

 

The spice rack said

to the drum set

"You tip your hi-hat

"courteously

"And your words, they

"sound so sweet to me

"yet, you seem

"so lonely, pet!

"You've got rhythm

"and I've got thyme-

"come marry me,

"it's not a crime.

"We'll have 2 kids,

"name them Basil and Curry-

"don't make me wait, love!

"Please, won't you hurry?"

The drum set replied

to the spice rack

"I'm afraid I'm not

"a mere tom cat!

"Your Questions-  how

"dare you pepper me so?

"I have a clear head

"And thus I know-

"you march to the beat

"of a different drummer

"so shelve your passion,

"it's a minor bummer.

"Find somewhere else

"to get your kicks,

"you won't play me

"with your cinnamon sticks!"

The Fruit Sticker Manifesto

An orange, an apple, a tangelo-

day by day, the collection grows.

Like marks upon my prison wall,

two-hundred stickers do recall

the countless hours of sressful labor,

with only minutes each day to savor

the sweet flesh of citrus or pomaceous fruit-

waxed and painted and labeled, to boot!

You know that saying, old folks say,

How doctors are easily kept at bay

When you take the time to eat an apple a day?

Maybe it's true and maybe it's not,

but I never got swine flu, and I won't get the shot!

Team Stories #7

^{The Prescription- A Shocking Tail of Woe}

^MeCarmen Ray Ellensworth Solomon Squirrel sported the bushiest tail in the world.  One day his doctor offered him a prescription ^JLfor antifrizzledizzle (sp?) because he thought it might make his bushy tail not so bushy anymore (C.R.E.S.S.  We're going to call him Cress now.)

^JFSo anyway. . . .CRESS's bushy tail became a stubby tail and all of a sudden out popped a daffodil that smelled much better than the ^CJbushy tail.  Cress's stubby tail grew really long like a possum's tail and then he hung upside down in a tree and took a nap, while the rest of the flowers bloomed.

When he ^KJawoke he noticed a drunk man standing on the side of the road.  The drunk man caused a ruckus, so I threw him on the ground.  I felt good about it all.  ^LAThe drunkard was stunned by my tazer.  He couldn't focus as he rose up to tell me that he hadn't meant to cause a raukus.

^MFSince he couldn't spell "ruckus" I stunned him again with my tazer, "Don't taze me bro!" he yelled over and over- which brings me to the moral of this story:  you can't drink and play Apples to Apples.  If you do, you'll end up TAZED.

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Sadly, that was the last of our team stories, I hope you all got as big a kick out of them as the writers did!

Note:  See this post for an explanation of how these random tales came about!