Redneck and Peppers

Remember that old jingle that was fun to sing as a kiddo, but never really made sense?

Here it is:  This Old Man

And a tune, with its own music video in case you've never heard it here.

And here's my own version.  It doesn't make any more sense than the original, and it's quite tasteless.  But you don't have to eat it, so that really doesn't matter, does it?  I need to go to bed. . .

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This redneck
He ate one
Steam shot right out of his bum
Palomino-Jalapeño gawkers stand aghast
Get that guy some ice-cream fast.

This redneck
He ate two
And felt it later when he poo'd
Palomino-Jalapeño gawkers stand aghast
Get that guy some ice-cream fast.

This redneck
He ate three
Though Mama told him "Let them be!"
Palomino-Jalapeño gawkers stand aghast
Get that guy some ice-cream fast.

This redneck
He ate four
Then rolled around the kitchen floor
Palomino-Jalapeño gawkers stand aghast
Get that guy some ice-cream fast.

This redneck
He ate five
He screwed up and wiped his eyes
Palomino-Jalapeño gawkers stand aghast
Get that guy some ice-cream fast.

This redneck
He ate six
To get that masochistic fix
Palomino-Jalapeño gawkers stand aghast
Get that guy some ice-cream fast.

This redneck
He ate seven
Then they went all over Kevin
Palomino-Jalapeño gawkers stand aghast
Get that guy some ice-cream fast.

This redneck
He ate eight
And ate and ate and ate and ate
Palomino-Jalapeño gawkers stand aghast
Get that guy some ice-cream fast.

This redneck
He ate nine
When he dies, his Beemer's mine
Palomino-Jalapeño gawkers stand aghast
Get that guy some ice-cream fast.

This redneck
He ate ten
Washed them down with coke and gin
Palomino-Jalapeño gawkers stand aghast
Get that guy some ice-cream fast.

Peppered Joy

 Another reverse-engineered hymn, the first line should be a giveaway.

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All hail the strip of fatty bliss
Salted to the core
It graces breakfast, burgers, shrimp
And smells good, I want more
It pops and crackles as it cooks
And smells good, I want more

Salads cry for crumbled strips
To grace each lettuce leaf
As from each bit it slowly drips,
Such finely flavored grease
It's worth the saturated fat
Such finely flavored grease

It's naught but gristle soaked in fat
But for Pete's sake, taste one!
Muslims this is where it's at
You need to try bacon
Just close your eyes and take a bite
You need to try bacon

Hot Cross Buns

Alright- this one has been dancing around in my head for some time.  A spoof to the tune of the first half of Nelly's Air Force One's Here's the link to the tune (hit the little orange play button above the lyrics to get the song playing) if you want to sing along to. . . .

 Hot Cross Buns

[Intro]
Raw-hide..  Raw-hide..   Raw-hide..


[Chorus]
I said give me two-ply
(cause) I need two-ply
So I can get some comfort for my hot cross buns
(raw hide) comfort for my hot cross buns

[1]
I can't stand the way the cheap stuff likes a' chappin' up my bottom
(Raw hide) the rolls they got at work are really cheap that's why they got 'em
(Raw hide) they really ought to think about investin' in some Charmin
(Raw hide) they don't have a clue just how many butt's they're harmin'

[2]
Now they might as well recycle the office paper, see
(Raw hide) 'Cause my lunch bag is twice as soft as that abrasive T.P.
(Raw hide) Now I'd take an oyster shell
Over squares from hell
(Raw hide) I'll break out the Cottonelle
(Me) I'm willing to sell, (raw hide)

[3]
I like the ripples and the quilted- are those some scented squares? Sold!
(Raw hide) It don't matter how you do it, you can wad or you can fold
(Raw hide) Hoard a roll of Scott
or Angel Soft for the pot
(Raw hide) We all have a favorite
that just seems to hit the spot (Raw hide)

[4]
Listen to my words, man
Because if you've got half a brain, man
(Raw hide) You know the after coffee rush shouldn't cause you any pain, man
(Raw hide) I'm not gunna lie and try to say you'll get a rush, man
(Raw hide) I'm just helpin' folks find comfort that'll last beyond the flush, man!


[Chorus x 2]
I said give me two-ply
(cause) I need two-ply
So I can get some comfort for my hot cross buns
(raw hide) comfort for my hot cross buns

Victory in the Basement

This is actually another reverse-engineered song, bonus points to anyone who figures out which one!
----------------------------------------------


Victory in the basement
I did a load of laundry
I did not sort the clothes at all
'Cause I'm a lazy bum.
All the colors in to-gether
It didn't matter whether
They came out pink or blue or green
At least they all were clean!

Victory in the basement
My clothes smell like fresh flowers
The dirt, the funk, and all skid marks
Are gone for now at least.
They tumbled in the dryer
Now sing it with the choir:
It's on the net, now all folks know
My socks are white as snow.

Leaving in My Dodge Ram

Sing along with the tune here:



My duffel is stuffed
And I've loaded the truck
I pat the dog, and give you a hug
I finish breakfast, then I take a leak
With a thousand miles to drive this week
A parting kiss I will leave on your cheek
Already I am two darn hours behind!

So fix me a fresh coffee
Add two sugars and some cream
Serve it up and then please let me go!
I'm leaving, in my Dodge Ram
In two weeks I'll be back again
Oooh! Babe you're on my toe!

I run down the stairs, then I run back up
Seven times, 'cause I forgot some stuff
Babe, where did you hide my dad gum keys?!
Everywhere I go, I'll still belong to you
My departure now is so overdue
Do I need to get down on my knees?!

So fix me a fresh coffee
Add two sugars and some cream
Serve it up and then please let me go!
I'm leaving, in my Dodge Ram
In two weeks I'll be back again
Oooh! Babe you're on my toe!

+++++++++++++++

Okay, so the third verse is censored (for her eyes only) I've already come too close to having my poetic license revoked!

Mood Swings

It wasn't the gel of my generation, but when my Dad taught me the Brylcreem ("Brill Cream") jingle, it stuck soundly in my head.  Today's post is a spoof set to the that tune, If you're not familiar with the classic ad, watch one of the original black-n-white TV commercials here.
It looks like they still make the grease!


Mood Swings

Mood swings
A hyperactive showing
Mood swings
A zombie's in the room
Mood swings
When one can change from glowing
To a grumpy, grim solicitor for gloom.


2MB3N6C3XSTT

(I've Had) The Meal Of My Life

 My lovely wife took me out for my birthday last night- it was probably my most enjoyable birthday on record! (Thanks Love!)

This began as a tribute, but quickly morphed into something fictitious and farcical. . . . . .
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[Sung to the tune of:  (I've Had) The Time Of My Life]
You can play the song here and sing along!

Me: Last night I went out with my wife
And I never ate that much before
Yes I swear it's the truth
and I think my belly grew

Wife: And I bought that meal just for you
and yes, I believe it grew

Me: We went to a fancy place
and my girl, she said with grace
"Get anything."

Wife: My husband's such a male-
ordered steak and lobster tail, so pricey!

Both: But first we got an appetizer-
it was green tomatoes fried and so greasy!
So we ordered wine and beer
And tried to shake our fear of calories.

Me: Just save room for

Wife: Dessert and coffee

Me: How about creme brule?

Wife: I'd rather have bread pudding

Both: Yeah, let's get that because

(CHORUS)

Both: This is the meal of my life
No I never ate this much before
Yes I swear it's the truth
And it sounds a bit uncouth
But this is the meal of my life
And I'll need to lie down upon the floor
Baby it's the the truth
And I owe it all to you

Wife: Babe you've eaten all the crumbs
and you look like you could really use a tums.

Me: Darling that stuff works too slow
I think what I need is pepto

Wife: I'm beginning to feel it too
Do you think it's this decaff brew?

Me: Indigestion
My gut is swelling

Wife: I think I've heard enough

Me: Listen to my ears ring!

Both: We should go home because

(CHORUS)

Both: I had the meal of my life
No I've never hurt this bad before
I swear I've turned blue
And I owe it all to you
'Cause I've had the meal of my life
But it feels a little more like death
I now have rancid breath
And we're gonna be so poor.

*Instrumental*

Me: Now I've had the meal of my life
No I never ate this way before
(Wife: Never ate this way)
Boy: Yes I swear it's the truth
and I owe it all to you

Both: 'Cause I had the meal of my life
But it feels a little more like death

I now have rancid breath

And we're gonna be so poor.
Both:  Because that was the meal of my life
I'll need to lie down upon the floor
Baby it's the the truth
And I owe it all to you