The Phobialiscous Poem

Triskaidekaphobia?
I can't stand THIRTEEN
Catoptrophobia?
I can't look at me.
Chaetophobia?
All my friends wax.
Cibophobia?
I don't like to eat snacks.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
AAAAAh! What'd I just WRITE?!?
Selenophobia?
I stay in at night
Ommetaphobia?
Please, shut your eyes.
Ostraconophobia?
Clams, I despise.
Sophophobia?
I don't want to know.
Stasibasiphobia?
I'll run where I go.
Hypnophobia?
I won't go to bed.
Anablephobia?
I shan't tilt my head.
Eleutherophobia?
Please put me in jail.
Heliophobia?
I know I look pale.
Geniophobia?
No!  Not a dimple!
Cibophobia?
Eating's not simple.
Barophobia?
Stop holding me down!
Geliophobia?
I have a comfortable frown.


Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia has got to be the most ironic word in the English language :-) .

Thanks. . .

(I've Had) The Meal Of My Life

 My lovely wife took me out for my birthday last night- it was probably my most enjoyable birthday on record! (Thanks Love!)

This began as a tribute, but quickly morphed into something fictitious and farcical. . . . . .
----------------------------------------
[Sung to the tune of:  (I've Had) The Time Of My Life]
You can play the song here and sing along!

Me: Last night I went out with my wife
And I never ate that much before
Yes I swear it's the truth
and I think my belly grew

Wife: And I bought that meal just for you
and yes, I believe it grew

Me: We went to a fancy place
and my girl, she said with grace
"Get anything."

Wife: My husband's such a male-
ordered steak and lobster tail, so pricey!

Both: But first we got an appetizer-
it was green tomatoes fried and so greasy!
So we ordered wine and beer
And tried to shake our fear of calories.

Me: Just save room for

Wife: Dessert and coffee

Me: How about creme brule?

Wife: I'd rather have bread pudding

Both: Yeah, let's get that because

(CHORUS)

Both: This is the meal of my life
No I never ate this much before
Yes I swear it's the truth
And it sounds a bit uncouth
But this is the meal of my life
And I'll need to lie down upon the floor
Baby it's the the truth
And I owe it all to you

Wife: Babe you've eaten all the crumbs
and you look like you could really use a tums.

Me: Darling that stuff works too slow
I think what I need is pepto

Wife: I'm beginning to feel it too
Do you think it's this decaff brew?

Me: Indigestion
My gut is swelling

Wife: I think I've heard enough

Me: Listen to my ears ring!

Both: We should go home because

(CHORUS)

Both: I had the meal of my life
No I've never hurt this bad before
I swear I've turned blue
And I owe it all to you
'Cause I've had the meal of my life
But it feels a little more like death
I now have rancid breath
And we're gonna be so poor.

*Instrumental*

Me: Now I've had the meal of my life
No I never ate this way before
(Wife: Never ate this way)
Boy: Yes I swear it's the truth
and I owe it all to you

Both: 'Cause I had the meal of my life
But it feels a little more like death

I now have rancid breath

And we're gonna be so poor.
Both:  Because that was the meal of my life
I'll need to lie down upon the floor
Baby it's the the truth
And I owe it all to you

The Limerick

The limerick is a classic- 5 lines with a strict rhyme scheme of:
A
A
B
B
A

I'm sure you've heard these before somewhere, probably 90% of them begin with
"There once was a [animal/person/thing] from [place]"

I don't think I've ever heard a really serious limerick, the structure in itself just begs for witty humor or sillyness.  Challenge of the day- to come up with a limerick or two that doesn't begin with "There once was. . ."
---------------------------



Happy Birthday

Happy birthday to thee
I sang unto me
You take the cake!
(At least the one your wife bakes)
But that is the way it should be!
---------------------------



Hap Slap and Hoyt Hogg

Hap Slap and Hoyt Hogg
Got drunk on egg nog
Went and pawned their lincoln logs
Sold them to a gang of dogs
But gave the cash to a homeless frog.               (?!?)
---------------------------



Deep in the Forest

Oak stood next to an aging Pine
"Old man, you seem so assinine
"Scattering cones across the earth
"You never sleep, but what's that worth?"
"Paper." came Pine's reply.

Then Pine began to needle Oak-
"You lazy, deciduous fools are the joke!
"What's your purpose in this world?
"Immodest kids. . . just feeding squirrels."
"Heat?" the hardwood croaked.
---------------------------

Penciling Diamonds

If the pencil still carried
A cold heart of lead
Many nibblers and gnawers
Would surely be dead.
But the core of each stick
Is now darker and liter-
What gemstones are made of,
And still more to a writer.
There is no better tool
To transcribe words of might
Than a thin wooden shell
Housing carbon as graphite.
Just a rough allotrope
Yes, a mere polymorph
That wordsmiths worldwide,
Lay down by the corf.
A literal alchemist
Can bring diamonds about
When they make it a point
To just write them all out!

Definitions:
Allotrope
Polymorph
Corf

Hormones

Disclaimer!!  I hereby denounce any and all assumptions that this could possibly be a depiction of my own beautiful, perfect, infallible, even-keeled other half.  It's just, you know, for the rest of you poor gentlemen out there who married human beings instead of angels like mine ;-).

Slam! Bam! Crunch!

Growls and grunts

Headaches and the urge to munch

Heavy sighs and angry rants

The need to try 10 pairs of pants

A shorter fuse and longer groans

Things once funny, now bemoaned

Spare me, Hormones!