Off to the Races

Three-eighths of a mile
Pitched and curved
Coated with asphalt
Rumbling, vibrating
To the sound of a thousand
Lawn mowers
Surrounded by gawkers
In lawn chairs.
Coolers prop up their feet.
Neon numbers
On stripped out hoopties
Accelerate, decelerate
Roar, then growl
Sprint, then dig
Hard into the sloping bank
Fishtailing, recovering
Drawing screams from the masses.
Smoke, dust, dreams of Daytona
The sweet smell of carbon emissions
Surrounding a checkered flag.

At 11:30 PM

Oh great-
It's late.
But I'll write:
Goodnight!

Ooooo! Boo-Boo's Shoes

Another theme got away from me here. . . .

-------------------------------------
Boo-Boo's new shoes
Were two shades of a blue hue
Few cruise in blue shoes
As footloose as Boo-Boo.
But Boo-Boo went cuckoo
He chewed the blue through
He induced true shoe abuse.
Boo-Boo flew- quick, to the loo!
Pew! That's where he extruded blue.
His anger grew, he aimed to sue
Only a goose should poo-poo blue!
But rude judge Jude soon deduced:
"Shoe abuse?  A profuse ruse!
"I, for one, am unamused
"I refuse to be seduced-
"You won't be loosed
"who's got a noose?"
And that's how Boo-Boo's blue poo-poo
Due to new shoes he misused
Grew to unloose, when he sued,
The cruel noose that induced his doom.

Hashed Words Pt 1

Did you know that the letters
That make up Philadelphia   
Also spell plaidhaphile?
Keep your kilt under wraps.

Did you know that the letters
That make up California
Also spell "A Frail Coin?"
If only they could find one.

The GPS

I have this little widget
I named the thing Garmett
She has a really pretty voice
And tells me how to get
From one place to another
She directs from town to town
The only problem seems to be
She makes my wifey frown.
"In 200 feet turn right"
"Recalculating. . .Recalculating"
Steam comes out my Jenny's ears
She seems to find it grating.
"Listen to the navigator!"
I beg her from the wheel,
"She calmly tells us where to go. . .
That house has curb appeal!"
"Please turn it off!" she says to me
"She so gets on my nerves!
"Besides, I know just where to go
"Slow down! Did you see the curve?"
Sometimes my soul is tortured
And sometimes it rejoices-
As when I drive I also bear
Two ladies' constant voices.

In the Drizzle

On a cold and drippy day
My dog loves to play
Prancing through the rain
Wallowing in the muck
Looking up at me
Her brown eyes full of pluck
Enjoy yourself now, Daisy, girl-
Let the mud accent your curls
You'll get your due,
My only daughter,
Beneath a torrent
Of soap and water.

First Game

It's been a great Saturday-
My first rugby game
I'm exhausted and sore
And ready for more.

"Poppy's Favorite." They Call It

We went to Charlie's Cafe tonight
I decided to try the pork schnitzel
After trying to stomach the oven-burnt 'taters
My stomach is tied like a pretzel.

Peppered Joy

 Another reverse-engineered hymn, the first line should be a giveaway.

----------------------------------
All hail the strip of fatty bliss
Salted to the core
It graces breakfast, burgers, shrimp
And smells good, I want more
It pops and crackles as it cooks
And smells good, I want more

Salads cry for crumbled strips
To grace each lettuce leaf
As from each bit it slowly drips,
Such finely flavored grease
It's worth the saturated fat
Such finely flavored grease

It's naught but gristle soaked in fat
But for Pete's sake, taste one!
Muslims this is where it's at
You need to try bacon
Just close your eyes and take a bite
You need to try bacon

Hear them Roar

Licking up the April showers
They spring forth from the ground
And roar across the hillsides
Without the slightest sound.
Soaking up the sunshine
Sitting upright in the grass
Tossing the thickest yellow manes
As bumble bees fly past.
It's a beautiful life, but one short-lived,
For in just seven days
Their heads will shrink and then extrude
Quite stately bobs of gray.
Relaxing at the east wind's call,
Tossing into the air their scions,
They still stand tall, thin and bald
Ah, the lives of dandelions!

The Modern Corny-Copea

Is your life like a sandwich,
Full of bologna?
Are you caught in the middle?
Do you feel sort of phony?
Could it be like a smoothie,
All mixed up and cold?
Or are you more like A-1,
Saucy and bold?
Do you live like a caper,
Sour, but green?
Or warm and quite sweet,
Like a cup of hot tea?
Are you obnoxiously bubbly
Like a glass of champagne?
Or feel lost like a grape
That just slipped down the drain?
Are you more like a turnip,
Buried and bitter?
Or make others feel guilty
Like donuts and fritters?
No matter the food group
To which your life takes
We all know that it's not
Simply one piece of cake.

Kick Gruesome!

The heater in our apartment broke
Cold northern nights are not a joke
My feet were like two blocks of ice
I tried to warm them on my lady's thighs
That turned out to be a mistake
It could have resulted in a serious ache
She can go nuts with that knee-jerk reaction
And then I'm the victim of my own desperate taction.

Goofy Day

I had a goofy day today
Full of unexplained elation
It could have been a good night's sleep
Or over-caffeination.
It's nice when every now and then
Everything seems funny
Even when it drives insane
Your poor unhumored honey.

Together

Fellowship is priceless
Relish it when you can
Incite some hospitality
Entertain your fellow man
No need for stiff formality
Dress down and lighten up
So others can enjoy themselves, and you too as you sup!

A Groaner

So I picked a theme and ran with it, maybe off a cliff this time. . . . .

-------------------------------
Once a Scotch couple named Vodka and Whiskey
Birthed girls and named them Tequila and Brandy
The kids wouldn't stop wining in the back of the sub-bourbon
So the parents just dumped them in an area less urban
It was there in the woods they encountered a beer
They didn't mix well, and ran screaming in fear
A stout lager found them, and asked them "What ales you?"
"Please tell me, dear girls, and know I won't fail you!"
Brandy screamed, "I know I can't out-rum a beer!"
Her sister, Tequila, just burst into tears.
"The hairy black beast told us his name was Porter
"He sniffed my poor sister and then tried to liquor!"
The lager shook his head, "I'm scared for my nation
"What a pitifuly timid and weak gin-eration!"

Tonight

It's late
I'm tired
I'd stay here
If wired
But it's time
For bed
My eyelids
Are lead
So goodnight
To you
Have a good
Friday too
I'm out!

Medium Rare

Steaks
Marbled slabs
Sizzling over charcoal
Smell like a dream
Ribeyes

Poetry

Piecing words together
Orchestrating syllables
Establishing a rhythm
Trying to describe the weather
Realizing from new angles
Yearning for mental substratum

An Awakening

Browns ease into greens
Trees explode in pink and white
Proclaiming Springtime.

Sunday

Resting on Sunday
That seems to be a lost art
I should try to find.

Heavy Metal

If you're a goth who can roar,
With a blood curdling scream
And like wearing black pants
That beg to split at the seams,
If your hair is done up
Like you're in Dragon Ball Z
And if lyrics come second
To how loud you can be,
If you like shaking your head
Like a freshly bathed mutt
With water in his ears
Then you might make the cut
As long as your band's
Name references death
Or darkness or agony
For example- "Last Breath."
If you bask in the vibration
Of residual noise
And hold fast to the theory
That boys will be boys,
If amped up distortion
To your ear is no nettle
You're music of choice
Must be heavy metal.

Friday

Forever celebrated
Reveled in and consecrated
Invoking time to just relax,
De-stress, and kick back.
Anticipate the weekend,
You've got free time to spend!

A Good Excuse

I can't sit here and write
For much longer tonight-
I have a good excuse, brother!
It's been too many days
That I have delayed
Calling to talk to my mother.

Tomorrow

Yesterday is history
Today is almost done
Tomorrow's still a mystery
We'll all solve on the run.

Hot Cross Buns

Alright- this one has been dancing around in my head for some time.  A spoof to the tune of the first half of Nelly's Air Force One's Here's the link to the tune (hit the little orange play button above the lyrics to get the song playing) if you want to sing along to. . . .

 Hot Cross Buns

[Intro]
Raw-hide..  Raw-hide..   Raw-hide..


[Chorus]
I said give me two-ply
(cause) I need two-ply
So I can get some comfort for my hot cross buns
(raw hide) comfort for my hot cross buns

[1]
I can't stand the way the cheap stuff likes a' chappin' up my bottom
(Raw hide) the rolls they got at work are really cheap that's why they got 'em
(Raw hide) they really ought to think about investin' in some Charmin
(Raw hide) they don't have a clue just how many butt's they're harmin'

[2]
Now they might as well recycle the office paper, see
(Raw hide) 'Cause my lunch bag is twice as soft as that abrasive T.P.
(Raw hide) Now I'd take an oyster shell
Over squares from hell
(Raw hide) I'll break out the Cottonelle
(Me) I'm willing to sell, (raw hide)

[3]
I like the ripples and the quilted- are those some scented squares? Sold!
(Raw hide) It don't matter how you do it, you can wad or you can fold
(Raw hide) Hoard a roll of Scott
or Angel Soft for the pot
(Raw hide) We all have a favorite
that just seems to hit the spot (Raw hide)

[4]
Listen to my words, man
Because if you've got half a brain, man
(Raw hide) You know the after coffee rush shouldn't cause you any pain, man
(Raw hide) I'm not gunna lie and try to say you'll get a rush, man
(Raw hide) I'm just helpin' folks find comfort that'll last beyond the flush, man!


[Chorus x 2]
I said give me two-ply
(cause) I need two-ply
So I can get some comfort for my hot cross buns
(raw hide) comfort for my hot cross buns

Happy Easter

Eggs, rabbits, baskets
Peeps, pastels, and plastic grass
Don't forget The Cross.

Sunshine

April is here now
Today was warm, don't you think?
My face is quite pink.

Kudos to Neal McDonough

Click here for the story


Stay on the high road,
Neal, stick to your guns.
Show Tiger and Jesse
How family's done.
Your values are priceless
Don't trade them for money
Rehab for cheaters
Is tragic, not funny.