The Root

Bestowed or recieved
Faith is the root of respect
Never worth losing

Missile Defense's New Logo

+=?

Check it out here. . . .


Zippity bam BOOM!
For a little shock 'n awe
An awful design.

The Weirdest Sport Ever

Rocket shaped go-carts

Rollin' on blades

They don't do this

In the Everglades-

Shooting down a man-made

Ice-lined ditch

At 90 miles per hour

With a nervous twitch.

Something odd must have slid

Through one man's head

On the day he made a sport

Of the bobsled.

Haiku

For EPA chief

It ain't easy being green

Nominate Kermit

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Where's the hope and change?

With all our change spent, hope's lost

For a second term.

Raining in the Dog

My poor dog is staring at me

She wants to play fetch now, you see.

Girl, it's raining outside-

Here, have a rawhide.

Chew a while, and just let me be!

Death and Taxes

The two 'certain' things
Mutually exclusive
In Austin's headlines.


I'm sure you've heard about the guy that flew a plane into the IRS office building in Austin last week.  Having read his diatribe at TSG, I can't but feel just a little bit sorry for the guy.  Don't get me wrong, there's no excuse for what he did- flying his plane into the IRS building was horribly cruel and totally stupid.  It won't even draw crocodile tears from the corrupt millionaires in Washington who made the convoluted tax rules that drove Joe Stack to his wit's end.  Life goes on, for them anyway.

Plenty of rich people get by without paying their taxes, because they can not only afford powerful attorneys who can twist the self-contradicting labyrinth of laws in their favor, but they also make a lot of campaign contributions, which is a politically correct term for 'legal bribe' in America.  That trick doesn't work for the average John Doe who struggles to make his mortgage payment.

Those of us who lay low and 'give unto Caesar what is Caesar's" without bothering to demand an explanation as to why 'Caesar's plan has to be so complicated that no one can begin to understand it all don't usually get hassled by the IRS.  It's too bad that the voice of the "American People," which both parties claim they can discern clearly while hearing totally different things, is indiscernable above the one clear voice that all politicians take heed to- calling from the pockets of the elite.  Money talks, friend.

If you don't take time to read the whole thing, the last lines of Joe Stack's manifesto left us with something to ponder:

"The Communist Creed:  From each according to his ability, to each according to his need.
The Capitalist Creed: From each according to his gullibility, to each according to his greed."

Right and left wing ideology aside, why do we tolerate Washington?

A Spicy Beat

 

The spice rack said

to the drum set

"You tip your hi-hat

"courteously

"And your words, they

"sound so sweet to me

"yet, you seem

"so lonely, pet!

"You've got rhythm

"and I've got thyme-

"come marry me,

"it's not a crime.

"We'll have 2 kids,

"name them Basil and Curry-

"don't make me wait, love!

"Please, won't you hurry?"

The drum set replied

to the spice rack

"I'm afraid I'm not

"a mere tom cat!

"Your Questions-  how

"dare you pepper me so?

"I have a clear head

"And thus I know-

"you march to the beat

"of a different drummer

"so shelve your passion,

"it's a minor bummer.

"Find somewhere else

"to get your kicks,

"you won't play me

"with your cinnamon sticks!"

The Fruit Sticker Manifesto

An orange, an apple, a tangelo-

day by day, the collection grows.

Like marks upon my prison wall,

two-hundred stickers do recall

the countless hours of sressful labor,

with only minutes each day to savor

the sweet flesh of citrus or pomaceous fruit-

waxed and painted and labeled, to boot!

You know that saying, old folks say,

How doctors are easily kept at bay

When you take the time to eat an apple a day?

Maybe it's true and maybe it's not,

but I never got swine flu, and I won't get the shot!

Team Stories #7

^{The Prescription- A Shocking Tail of Woe}

^MeCarmen Ray Ellensworth Solomon Squirrel sported the bushiest tail in the world.  One day his doctor offered him a prescription ^JLfor antifrizzledizzle (sp?) because he thought it might make his bushy tail not so bushy anymore (C.R.E.S.S.  We're going to call him Cress now.)

^JFSo anyway. . . .CRESS's bushy tail became a stubby tail and all of a sudden out popped a daffodil that smelled much better than the ^CJbushy tail.  Cress's stubby tail grew really long like a possum's tail and then he hung upside down in a tree and took a nap, while the rest of the flowers bloomed.

When he ^KJawoke he noticed a drunk man standing on the side of the road.  The drunk man caused a ruckus, so I threw him on the ground.  I felt good about it all.  ^LAThe drunkard was stunned by my tazer.  He couldn't focus as he rose up to tell me that he hadn't meant to cause a raukus.

^MFSince he couldn't spell "ruckus" I stunned him again with my tazer, "Don't taze me bro!" he yelled over and over- which brings me to the moral of this story:  you can't drink and play Apples to Apples.  If you do, you'll end up TAZED.

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Sadly, that was the last of our team stories, I hope you all got as big a kick out of them as the writers did!

Note:  See this post for an explanation of how these random tales came about!

The Meltdown

Well shiver me winters
Al Gore, me mate!
We've had blizzards and ice storms,
Now a frozen great lake!
Where's the warm, sandy beach
Arkansas was expecting
To creep inland, all due
To the exhaust we're ejecting?
More carbon's emitted
By flatulent cows
Than by man-made machines
So admit to us now-
The facts have been twisted
And more than a smidgen
If anything's melting
It's your enviro-ligion.


The latest News:

A fozen Lake Eerie

The U.N.'s flawed science, and selective revelation.

The Cracking "Consensus"

Unraveling Scam

Happy Birthday

Happy birthday darling

You're twenty-seven now-

Still living strong and running long

And nowhere near the cow

that some become, not far from when

They decide to settle down.

I've forgotten many things

Since the day I married you-

Like how to do the laundry

And wash the dishes, too.

You're quite the cook

And an amazing cleaner

You attack stray crumbs

With a fierce demeanor

Our love is daily

Growing keener-

Feel free to come caress my

Noggin

Let's get the bedroom windows 

Foggin'

Because my

Love

is 

Yours!

The De-Generation

Twenty-five years ago
a commercial might say
"Look at how cool 
our product can make you-
the opposite sex will adore you,
and jealous rivals, abhor you."
Then came today.
We're convinced we're the shizzle.
Near all advertisements
are brown-nosing dribble.
Just who is everyone else like you?
Da bomb, and nothing less-  dat's who!
Why should you buy?
Because you deserve it!
That line between haves
and have-nots is bent,
come get raped by
the credit that curved it.
Could it be that the worst
to befall a great nation
is a prideful, entitled,
and spoiled generation?

At the Dealership

On the lot today
A Cougar for a pickup
My man-card redeemed!

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For the full recount of today's adventure, come check out the latest post at OneFaceInTheCrowd.com !

Opening Ceremonies

The winter olympics start tonight
Every sport you can think of that happens on ice.
It's crazy- it's cold, but it's also quite nice
To cheer with my mug of hot chocolate.

Team Stories #6

^{The Cheeky Kite Runner}

^JLOne day I went to an art museum in San Francisco and was admiring a painting by John Sox Park- I noticed that he ^JFpainted a line of green along the outside corners of the picture which, to me, seemed abstract, and discouragingly so.  I decided to get my purple marker out to perfect this work of art.

^CJThen I got mad and balled it up and lit it on fire.  After that, I threw it on the ground, then got a new kite and went to fly it.  But ^KJthe kite broke, so I threw it down.  I started running and running and got sick.  I had to get to Care Now and meet with Dr. Care.  What the blank- Doctor who?

^LADr. Care was an awesome doctor, who only worked on patients who were hurt flying kites.  He asked me what I was doing flying kites into telephone lines.  He analyzed my ^MFbutt to see if there were any strange, unusual markings- he found none.  Next he looked up my case file to see what other doctors had said.  They all said the same thing:  ^Me 'This cat has no history of butt-brandiosis and will never need to be treated for cheek-chaffing.'  I was relieved and threw a grand old party- getting a nice smiley face tattooed on my rumpus.

The End

-----------------------------

 PS- Wow, CJ!  It take mad skills to throw a museum painting to the ground after balling it up and setting it on fire! I think you may have a strain of anarchy deep within that gentle spirit of yours.  That only makes sense. . . . anarchist-cop. . . opposites attract!  :o) .

Note:  See this post for an explanation of how these random tales came about!

Team Stories #5

She Did it For the Pooky

^JFOnce there was a little bug that went to the toy store and found an itty-bitty knife.  When the teeny tiny beetle ^CJcame over with his tomatoes they would slice them and make teeny tiny BLT's.  After that they went to see "A Bug's Life" (the movie).  They had friends that starred in it!

^KJThe teeny tiny BLT's made me poop teeny tiny.  It only stank a little, then I got sick.  Darn. . . it made me pass my tumor-  It's a miracle ^LAto behold.  The tumor was no more.  There was only a hole where the tumor had been.  No more pain- only weight gain.  The woman ^MFdecided to go on the Atkin's Diet, so she went on the internet to see who Atkins was and what she could eat. . . . apparently she could have any red meat and hot tamales- that's it.

She did this for ^Methe sake of her dog, who really needed to be walked more often, and was tired of of being nearly smothered when she rolled over at night, "It's for you, Pooky, ^JLthat I went on this crash diet of oatmeal cookies with chocolate chips, coffee, ice cream, and hot tamales!  I love you, Pooky!  It's all for you that I treat my body this way- so that we can go on walks a lot to burn off the calories and make sure that I don't get all sugared up and stuff.  Oh, Honey! Honey!"

The End
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 PS- have you noticed a theme here?  KJ seems to have a thing for tumors and poo.  JF officially wins the award for most random segment!

Note:  See this post for an explanation of how these random tales came about!

Team Stories #4

The X-File that Got Away

^CJOne day I said, "I'm an adult and I need a job."

I tried to think about what to do.  I went to the grocery store and I couldn't ^KJremember if I brought my debit card. Darn-  I did not.  I had to drive back home to get it while my groceries were in the freezer locker.  Then I called Kirk. ^LAKirk said "Darn!" and trekked on to the grocery store to bail me out.  He slipped and slid on icy streets to help me, but before ^MFhe could say "pants on the ground," an alien flew in front of him, causing him to crash.

The alien then pulled Kirk from the vehicle and said, "Take me to your leader."  So he took the alien to meet Cindy, who said, ^Me"Why ya got yo' hat on sideways, green in yo mouf?  I ain't axing twice!" and yanked it's pants to the ground.

The alien turned ^JLon- "Pants on the ground! Pants on the Ground!  Party people, all your hands in the air.  Dance all around- pants on the ground!"  He busted a move, and break danced like he came straight out of the 80's.  ^JFBut instead of to the ground, his pants flew off and stuck to the ceiling, and the carousel stopped just in time to finish the ride, and all the crying two-year-olds were thrilled to pieces.

The End
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Note:  See this post for an explanation of how these random tales came about!

Team Stories #3

 Pickled Okra Snowball Stew?

^LAOn a cold, snowy day, in Virginia Beach of all places, a family gathered for some rest and relaxation.  The cousins played for hours on ^MFtop of their aunts, uncles, Nana, parents- whatever.  Then they got tired and decided to make up a game using popcorn balls and build-a-bears.

The first ^Mething they did was stuff the bears in their mouths.  They seemed to fit with little trouble,  but then the Kirky-doodle sneezed!  Allergies got the best ^JLof his pickled okra that he grew in his garden last autumn, and pickled sometime mid-winter before it all rotted out.  He loved pickled okra and ate it every day, at least twice, so his wife made him a blanket with a sewed-on giant.

^JFHis wife was a talented seamstress.  She could make something from nothing in the kitchen as well.  Creative cooking was her specialty.  So that nothing went to waste, she would ^CJmix all the leftovers together and call it 'stew.'  We never liked it, but we knew we would get five licks if we didn't eat it.  When dinner was over we had to clear ^KJour bellies.  We all went #2.  It stank.  We ran outside in the snow and made snowballs.

The End
-----------------------------------------

Note:  See this post for an explanation of how these random tales came about!

From between NY and Detroit

We didn't see the northeast's Snowmageddon, but it delayed a lot of flights.  Our lift out of Elmira was delayed and there was no way for us to get home to Little Rock tonight.  Delta gave us some meal vouchers and is putting us up in a Clariton.  We'll have to be up at 4:00 am tomorrow morning to make it home a day late.  Here are a few Haiku poems written above NY during our flight between Elmira and Detroit.


1
Above Finger Lakes
The glacier-carved troughs in Earth
Are valley gutters.

2
The north from above
An icy gray patchwork quilt
Anything but soft.

3
New York winterized
Like a cold, crunchy pretzel
With way too much salt.

Rural NY

Sunshine and clouds
Cold wind and flakes
Icicles, wind gusts
And powdered glass lakes.

Far from the hustle
Of the vertical city
There are parts of New York
That are wonderfully pretty!

New York

Cold and beautiful
Full of salt and history
The state of New York

Away

Flying to New York tonight
So I'll have to keep it light
This short poem is all you get
Next week it's back to family lit!

Team Stories #2

The Nunchuck Master

^MFIt was the night before Jenena's birthday.  The whole family flew in from all over the world to celebrate this special event.  The first to arrive ^MeWas her father, Markus, but something was wrong- his face was purple, his eyes were orange, and he couldn't get his tongue to stay in his mouth.  Jenena looked up at him ^JLand said, "are you going to projectile vomit at my frog? Because I think that, if you do, your face might turn hot green instead and then you might turn into a tree!"

He replied, "Of course not, ^JFbut you will become like a hot green skittle neon that I used to dream about having in high school.  Wow!  What an out of site looking turtle you have become," the dog barked,  ^CJ"You remind me of the teenage mutant ninja turtles.  They were so cool.  You should learn to do karate like they did."

So I did and I learned to use the nunchucks.  ^KJI put my mask on and became a true warrior.  I struck the bad guys with brute force to the point they started crying.  I told them, ^LA"Don't worry!  I am the one who will take this to the point of resolution with one fell swoop."  I took them out.  They never bothered me again.

The End
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Note:  See the post dated 02/02/2010 for an explanation of how these stories came to be!

Team Stories #1

My wife and I got back from Virginia Beach last night, where we had a grand ol' time while snowed in with family.  Sunday night we adults played a really fun game- everyone received a sheet of paper and a pen or pencil, and then had 60 seconds to start writing a story.  When the minute was over, we passed them to the right and everyone had another minute to continue the tale.  Before passing to the third writer, the first portion of the mini-epics were folded downward so that the next person writing part of it could only read the last portion written before continuing.  When the papers made it all the way around the room, we all read the stories we started.  I haven't laughed that hard in a really long time.

I will still be writing a poem every day, but will take some time to explore topics that might or might not make it to this site.  In the meantime, I'll be posting the looney stories that we wrote in Virginia.  Each person will get credit for their portion of the stories by means of their initials preceding the section.  I hope you enjoy!
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The Tale of the Tumor

^KJOn 01/31/10 I was sitting in a circle writing a story.  The story goes like this:  Once there was this tumor.  ^LAIt was an incredibly handsome tumor.  It caused the host a lot of pain, but couldn't get the best of her because family was her game.

She had ^MFdecided to write a book of her experience called "The Ovarian Cyst Chronicles."  In it, she told the exciting story of how ^Meegg cells can beat the snot out of the Ovarian Sentinels who stand guard against the forces of Cancerous Maximus, the most wretched and evil ruler in all of Bodyworld! ^JLYou see, at Bodyworld there are all of these different made-up worlds with different characters in them, and each world has one different character that has a fatal ^JFflaw that makes them look like they stuck their finger in a light socket.

I feel as if electrifying the situation would cause snow to fall from the ceiling in different shades of blue. ^CJBut I decided to do it anyway and we all got burried in a blue blizzard.  We were never able to shovel our way toward the light.  At least our dog got out alive.  He went to live with my mom.

The End

Coach

The seats are all greasy
And the air is quite stale
There's no room for the legs
Of a six-foot tall male.
You're neighbor is hacking
up green globs of phlegm,
Babies are screaming
And the lights are too dim.
Cranky blond grannies
In short skirts and tights
Stand ready to set your
Wrong flying ways right-
They'll make you feel
Like you're quite the putz
After tipping your O.J.
With their over-sized butts.

[PS- When it comes to stewardesses, Nana is quite the exception- the Tinkerbell of American Airlines!]